What to Expect

We have these expectations. They are built in. Even before we open our eyes, we have an expectation of what the morning light will look like, where the alarm will be, what it will feel like when we swing our legs over the bed and get on with the day.

Our lives are really one long set of expectations. Maybe that's ok - we've gathered alot of experience, already. We've woken up thousands of days and seen the morning, we know where the alarm clock is, etc. The problem is when we become attached to them. Because that is what differentiates between what we expect and what is, and causes us to not be able to handle what is because of what we expect.

But the biggest place we expect is in our interactions with other people - and this whether we are aware of it or not. We simply pile on tons and tons of expectations to our friends, our partners, even random people we interact with! (Only think of the slow driver in front of you that you are expecting to hit the darn gas pedal!)

And here is the two-fold problem with this arrangement:
1. WE HAVEN'T TOLD THEM OUR EXPECTATION
2. and - WE'RE COMPLETELY ATTACHED TO THEM LIVING UP TO IT

Are you shaking your head yet? Because this is really crazy. If you have an expectation of someone, you either have to let them know that and at least give them the opportunity to live up to it, or you have to abandon the expectation. You can't waltz through life expecting people to mind read your every expectation, it's not reasonable. These expectations, these UNSPOKEN expectations are at the root of the vast majority of pain we experience in our relationships. I expect you to be this way, you aren't that way (because I haven't told you and you haven't had the opportunity of deciding if you want to be this way); and since you aren't this way, I am hurt and now have proof that you don't love me.

Wow, are we suckers for pain or what?? Oh, and this little operation also serves as a perfect platform for pointing fingers - - "You weren't this way, it's your fault everything fell apart..."

In all things in life it is our obligation to speak out with our expectations. We are not responsible for how life in general or another person responds to it, but we are responsible to speak our expectations.

Now when you go through your day - have a look. Check and see if you are harboring expectations. Are you expecting everyone to drive like experts? Are you expecting the overtired, overworked and underpaid checker at the store to be nice? Are you expecting your partner to understand you when you do xyz? More importantly, HAVE YOU TOLD THEM??? If you aren't in a position to tell them (i.e. all those other drivers) you need to look at your expectation and see if it's realistic. If it isn't, this would be a good opportunity to drop it. If it is unexpressed (i.e. with a partner), this would be your opportunity to share it and give them an honest chance to decide whether than can or can't respond to your expectation the way you want them to.

Above all - this is a very good and important exercise to recognize what your expectations are and look at whether they are making you happy or whether they are a source of pain and misfortune for you. And with that - you can decide whether you want to keep them; or not.



Blessings.
- Darshan






© 2010 Darshan F Jessop