Managing expectations

Who is responsible for what you feel? You, right? Well, that was easy enough. OK, let's say you're angry, you're really very angry. Now who is responsible? Let's say you are hurting from a relationship that didn't work out. Now who is responsible?

Are you about to explain how so and so did such and such and that is why you are...but didn't you just declare that you are responsible for what you feel?

Yes, of course we have responsibility for our own feelings but then we have alot of excuses - he lied to me, she broke my heart, he hurt me, they did this to me - alot of reason to exclaim that it is someone else's responsibility that we feel the way we feel.

No one else is ever responsible for the way we feel - it is our expectations that set us up for what we feel. We expect a situation to work out one way and it doesn't, so we get angry, upset, scared, sad, unhappy, frustrated...

We go through life with a long list of expectations. You meet someone and even before your first date you're imagining what your life will look like together, that is a lot of expectations! The problem only happens when we don't know how to manage them. Instead of speaking up - before that first date - we hide those expectations, hide ourselves and ferverently apply ourselves to this person being "the one."

And that's only one example. We have these expectations every day - and mostly we are unaware of what our expectations really are. We expect our spouses to act a certain way, we expect our children to act a certain way, we expect to receive a certain treatment from stores we patronize, we expect strangers we pass in the mall to respond to our expectations accordingly, we expect situations to pan out a certain way, we expect things to happen at work a certain way...the list goes on.

But we also live in a society that tells us it's not safe to be who we really are because then people won't like us, the "one" will slip through our fingers, or we will miss out on the chance of a lifetime. So we hide these expectatinos away, and then we react when things don't work out like we expect. Hmmm...

In order to manage expectations we have to first become aware that we have expectations, and then we have to have alot of courage. We have to believe in ourselves so much that we are willing to articulate those expectations clearly enough for another person to hear and understand them. And then we need to honestly assess whether these expectations have any chance of being realistic or not. How can you have what you want, if you are not willing to ask for it? And why would you want to believe that something, that is not what you want, will fulfill your expectations?

The thing with expectations is that they are personal. Only total commitment from another person allows expectations to be shared and that takes a level of honestly and truth that is a little scary for alot of people. So, it's up to you to manage your expectations and take all the precautions you can to ensure that you have shared them and met up with agreement from whomever you are dealing with. Even then it might not always work out, but what does happen is that you know you have spoken clearly and with the highest level of integrity. You can't control other people, but you can totally manage your expectations and learn from your interactions. The more clarity there is, the less room for error.

Blessings.
- Darshan

© 2009 Darshan F Jessop